Is your relationship healthy?

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Quiz Questions

1.
Do you feel heard in this relationship?
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- A.
  Yes, they listen well.
- B.
  Sometimes. It depends on their mood.
- C.
  No, I rarely feel heard.
2.
Are you able to give feedback to this person when needed?
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- A.
  Absolutely. They own their mistakes and ask forgiveness. They have a general desire to grow.
- B.
  Sometimes. They seem remorseful and apologize, but their actions rarely match their words after the fact.
- C.
  No. If I bring anything up other than positive feedback, it turns back on them. The consequences could be anger, silent treatment, etc...
3.
Do you enjoy your time with this person?
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- A.
  Yes. I can't wait to be with them and feel encouraged after our time together.
- B.
  It depends. Sometimes they are so much fun and other times it feels like they need too much from me.
- C.
  No. I only connect with them because I have to. If I am honest, they suck the life out of me.
4.
Does this person do what they say they are going to do?
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- A.
  I appreciate that this person is trustworthy and does what they say they are going to do. And when they can't, he/she makes sure I know why and owns it.
- B.
  It's hit or miss. Sometimes they are right on time. Sometimes they forget or have excuses.
- C.
  I don't trust what they say as I think about the past. They rarely follow through and have a reason for everything.
5.
Question 5 - How long have you known this person?
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- A.
  Longer than 2 years
- B.
  1-2 years
- C.
  I just met them. Just under a year.

Quiz Outcomes

1.
Red Light Boundary
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STOP!Red-light people are those who do harm to others and have no remorse or changed behaviors. They may even say they are sorry, but their actions will reveal whether or not they are truly repentant when they have done wrong. Those whose words cannot be trusted and who continue to harm people can be what the Bible calls wolves in sheep's clothing; they delight in doing wrong and are unwilling to change. Red-light people will not understand and will likely make you to be the bad guy. Boundaries in these cases will need to remain high. You have permission to end this relationship or limit access to who you are and your more vulnerable emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. These kinds of people have not learned how to value themselves or others and often create chaotic relationships. These people can often be high-trauma survivors with personality disorders like narcissism, borderline, and more. Boundaries are the best way to love them and you may need extra support through counseling or coaching to end this relationship. (Excerpt from Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace) Consider reading: "Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace" or "Shrinking the Integrity Gap: Between What Leaders Preach and Live". You also might read the book, "Necessary Endings" by Dr. Henry Cloud.
2.
Yellow-Light Boundary
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CAUTION?Yellow-light people need cautious boundaries. They are hot and cold. Somedays they respond to your needs, and other days they talk about you behind your back. They mgiht not harm you or others on purpose, but they are people whom the Bible calls fools because they blame their circumstances around them rather than owning their participation in the problem. These people are repentant at times and many do not overtly try to hurt us, but they are inconsistent and cannot be fully trusted. Similar to a yellow light in traffic, we slow down and are cautious. Keep your boundaries clear and do not let them into your inner circle. (excerpt from Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace.) You can still keep this person in your life, but expect inconsistency and do not give them all of your time, energy, and resources. Serve them. Encourage them. Pray for them. But don't give them your pearls. The good news is that people can grow and change. Look for changed behaviors over time and consistency, not just words, before softening your boundaries. Consider reading my book "Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace" and "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud.
3.
Green-Light Boundary
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GO!Green light people make mistakes and have bad days, but they are always willing to own their behaviors and make things right. Their intent is never to harm you. These people may go through hard seasons and may not always be there for you fully, but green-light people take turns serving one another in times of need. There is a give-and-take rhythm. Green-light relationships are trustworthy, they speak truth, work through conflicts and move toward forgiveness. We see changed behaviors after intentional conversations and they generally follow through on what they say. The Bible calls these people wise. Not perfect, but they demonstrate a heart that whats to remain right in relationship with you and with God. (excerpt from Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace.) You have a safe and good thing in this relationship. You can risk being vulnerable and continue to grow in trust, courage, and joy together. Go remind this person what they mean to you and the importance of their relationship in your life!