How does your early relationship with your father still affect you today?

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Quiz Questions

1.
1. How do you tend to respond to conflict?
- A.
  a. I avoid it because I freeze or feel rage
- B.
  b. I wait for the storm to blow over
- C.
  c. I can fold and let the other person win
- D.
  d. It’s sometimes difficult to find my voice
- E.
  e. I've learnt how to look after myself the hard way
- F.
  f. People rarely disagree with me
2.
2. How do you feel when somebody else is put in charge?
- A.
  a. Surprised, I'm usually in the driving seat
- B.
  b. Unsure, I'll probably end up picking up their slack anyway
- C.
  c. Sceptical, I can rely on myself better than anyone else
- D.
  d. Nervous about what they'll be like
- E.
  e. Relieved, I prefer not to take the lead
- F.
  f. Comfortable, they’ll likely do a better job than me
3.
4. How do you ask for what you want?
- A.
  a. Direct, I'm the lead character of my life and I know what I want
- B.
  b. I’m tentative as I don’t want to come across as needy
- C.
  c. I realise I need something when it's too late and I start to feel resentful
- D.
  d. I go with the flow and wait to see what crosses my path
- E.
  e. I base what I want on what I think is possible
- F.
  f. I try not to rock boats when I ask for things I need
4.
3. You've flicked forward a few chapters, what does your best life look like now?
- A.
  a. I have a solid bunch of friends I can confide in and count on
- B.
  b. I ask for what I need in relationships and work without overthinking it
- C.
  c. I am calm when I speak up for myself in tricky conversations
- D.
  d. I get my self-worth from who I am not how hard I work
- E.
  e. I feel free to be myself, it doesn't matter what others think
- F.
  f. I'm kinder to myself and know how to set limits
5.
5. How easy is it for you to share your story with friends?
- A.
  I keep it brief, they seem to have life sussed compared to me
- B.
  I don’t like to burden people
- C.
  I worry about what people think about me afterwards
- D.
  It’s fairly easy – I know people are interested
- E.
  I’m more of a listener than a talker
- F.
  I keep my cards close to my chest
6.
6. Your wish is about to be granted, what would you change?
- A.
  a. I'd dish out how much I have on my plate with others
- B.
  b. I'd be setting firmer boundaries with people I love
- C.
  c. I'd make my friendships less flakey and more meaningful
- D.
  d. I'd be a better friend to myself and stop people pleasing
- E.
  e. I'd play more, pleasure-seek more and burnout less
- F.
  f. I'd shine brighter with more self-esteem
7.
7. How did your father teach you new skills in your childhood?
- A.
  a. He was either too busy or not around to teach me
- B.
  b. He showed me the best ways to do things step by step
- C.
  c. If I couldn’t learn easily he would quickly step in
- D.
  d. He was really enthusiastic but lost interest quickly
- E.
  e. He told me I was doing a great job most of the time
- F.
  f. If he ever taught me anything, he was quick tempered
8.
8. How openly did your father express his feelings?
- A.
  a. He wore his heart on his sleeve
- B.
  b. He was a closed book or not around
- C.
  c. He was big on praise and positivity
- D.
  d. He shared his opinion more than feelings
- E.
  e. He was hot headed
- F.
  f. He kept his cool
9.
9. How did your father react when you made a mistake?
- A.
  a. He didn't seem that fussed
- B.
  b. Patient
- C.
  c. He gave me feedback so I wouldn’t do it again
- D.
  d. He didn't focus on anything I had done wrong
- E.
  e. He would blow up over small things
- F.
  f. He wasn't there to see my mistakes
10.
10. How much did your father's mood set the scene at home?
- A.
  a. Always, I’d dread going home or him coming home
- B.
  b. My dad was always in a great mood
- C.
  c. My dad looked to me first to gauge my mood
- D.
  d. If my dad was upset I usually knew all of the details
- E.
  e. My dad's mood often set the scene but he never explained his feelings
- F.
  f. My father wasn’t around much or at all to set the mood
11.
11. Which role did your father do the best?
- A.
  a. Protect & Discipline
- B.
  b. Play & Provide
- C.
  c. Discipline & Provide
- D.
  d. Provide & Protect & Play
- E.
  e. All of them fairly equally
- F.
  f. None or Provide only
12.
12. Last question... did your father ever behave in a way that meant you had to protect yourself?
- A.
  a. Never, he had sound judgement
- B.
  b. Frequently – from his actions or words
- C.
  c. Sometimes when I felt like I was the parent
- D.
  d. No, I didn't see him or he was withdrawn
- E.
  e. Sometimes he could be over-involved
- F.
  f. Never – my wellbeing was his main concern

Quiz Outcomes

1.
Aggressive Father Wound
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The story todayYour relationships might feel empty like you’re only half there in conversations, going through the motions but not feeling connected. Perhaps your career feels like it’s on autopilot; you keep achieving, putting in the hours, ticking the boxes, but it never feels like it’s enough. If you’re a parent, it may be difficult to feel present with your family perhaps because so much of your attention goes into making sure you don’t become like your father. You monitor so closely, it leaves little time to play. You do your best to avoid conflict (and tantrums if you’re a parent) and can become overstimulated or startled by too much noise, touch, light or movement. You might find it hard to stick to one thing for long – reading a book, watching a film, getting a household task done or learning a new skill because there’s a restlessness, that makes it hard to sit down for long. It’s tempting to turn to quick-hit distractions of a screen, shopping, over-working, drink, sex, biscuits, drugs, whatever helps you take your mind briefly to another place. The reason this is playing out is because of the Aggressive Father Wound. In the fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Sleeping Dragon. Your father's unpredictable aggression (physical, emotional or both) has shaped your relationship with emotional security and self-compassion. This has left you on high alert, working hard and hesitant to trust others or in your own incredible resilience.Perhaps your story started like this...Home life felt uncertain because the person that was supposed to protect you also harmed you (mentally, physically or both).You never knew what to expect when you got home so you always entered a room as if walking on eggshells.You learnt to judge people’s moods by the sound of their footsteps or the way they closed a door which meant you were always prepared.Nobody knew what it was like for you from the outside and this facade made it even more confusing – sometimes you may even question if it was actually ‘that bad’. You learnt how to stay small, keep your head down and put on a brave or polite face. And it’s these early chapters that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so that every chapter hereafter is one where you: Like and love yourself so much, you start caring a whole lot less about what others think of you. Speak your mind freely without worrying about how others are going to react or treat you, or what might be going on in their minds or moods.Know exactly what you want in the next stage of your relationships, your career and during sex. More importantly – you’re no longer afraid to ask for it.Are deeply nourished by friendships that wrap you in genuine support and connection.Trust in the safety, strength and beauty of your body.Are living in the present moment, brimming with contentment and pride at how well you treat yourself now.Can stick up for yourself whenever you need to.Take up as much space as you need in conversations, crowds and public transport!Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist and helping people healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step? To create a sense of security within you, gradually showing your body, mind and heart that you are safe now. You can do this slowly and respectfully until you begin to truly believe that the threat is over, it is safe now for you to be fully you.Safety practiceTake a slow breath, breathing from your diaphragm, for 7 seconds, then breathe out for 11 seconds. Do this for 2-5 minutes to shift your nervous system from the sympathetic (fight/flight) to parasympathetic (rest/digest) mode. Do this any time you feel your stress levels rise.Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.
2.
Critical Father Wound
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The story todayYou’re not sure how it’s happened but you’ve become your own worst critic. This might be surprising considering how much you respect others, especially those in authority. You feel you fall short while others move through challenges and dilemmas with comparable ease and resilience. When you find yourself looking for that next push in your relationships or career, you look for direction or guidance that comes from outside yourself rather than from within.Your inner sense of self-appraisal has stayed small – it’s like you're missing a certain magic something that others have. You get stuck in second guessing, so making a decision on the next big step feels daunting. Even taking little steps can feel massive. In relationships, you look to your partner for approval, validation and a constant attentiveness – otherwise you feel unsure and insecure. If you’re a parent, you often feel like you’re getting it wrong. You look to books and blogs for the answer but there is no manual for this role and you’re exhausted by tripping up so much.The reason this is playing out is because of the Critical Father Wound. In the fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Ogre. Your father's criticism has shaped your relationship with self-trust and self-compassion, leaving you hesitant to trust your instincts and your incredible emotional intelligence.Perhaps your story started like this…Your father was keen to observe you and quick to give you feedback. Your dad’s opinion really mattered to you because he seemed to always know what he was doing with such exacting standards. You always did your best to keep on the right side of wrong so that you would catch that approving gaze of warmth. That’s when you felt most loved.You learnt to gauge your worth through your father’s eyes.You learnt to rely on him as your greatest support but also your greatest critic.Having a clear path and process always planned for you meant that you never went off track but you never learnt to course correct or discover the delight of your creative gifts and your infinite imagination. And it’s these early chapters that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so every chapter hereafter is one where you: Are the no1 authority on you – you now realise that what YOU think / feel / believe about you matters most.Have turned down the volume on others’ opinions and now listen inwards to your GPS that knows what is best for you.Sit in the driving seat of your life, no longer a passenger you have grown into a new confidence in what the future holds and you know where you want to go.Let your true goodness shine – your days of projecting your gold on to others is over.Define your own rules and values in your life and let your rebel play.Forgive yourself if you ever make a mistake with a soft self-compassion that makes it possible to have kinder relationships with everyone.Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist and helping people healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step? To soften your inner critic and foster a kinder way for you to befriend yourself. You could call it your inner BFF or even your inner father – it’s about building a solid centre so that you can hold yourself in highest respect and feel grounded and confident about who you are inside and out. You can do this slowly and respectfully until you begin to truly flourish in self-trust and bone-deep confidence. Compassion practice Next time you catch yourself being critical of yourself, first notice and pause. If you have access to a younger picture of yourself look at it, alternatively imagine a memory of you at your most innocent. Ask that innocent part of you – your younger self – ‘What do you need right now?’ Whatever the answer, offer that to your younger self in words. Eg If your younger self says ‘I want to feel free’ take a deep breath and say ‘You’re completely free’’ Let the words sink in for a minute or two.Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.
3.
Pedestal Father Wound
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The story todayYou can judge yourself harshly and strive to meet high standings in your career, family and relationships. At the same time, you can be critical of others too, there is rarely a partner, friend or colleague who is good enough.You may give up on things before they give up on you – your projects, plans or relationships.This self-sabotage is sneaky, often disguised as perfectionism. It might be a way to avoid feeling like a failure, but disappointment in yourself or others is always around the corner. You may distract yourself in different ways from one moment to the next – screens, shopping, over-working, constant busy-ness, drink, food, sex. Your partners never seem quite enough either, or maybe as a parent or professional you never feel like you’re getting it right or making enough progress.Somehow it feels stuck and looping.The reason this is playing out is because of the Pedestal Father Wound.In the fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Oracle. Your father's image of perfection and omnipotence has shaped your relationship with your self-worth and lovability leaving you deflated and doubtful of your inner gold. Perhaps your story started like this…Your dad always seemed to get it right. If you couldn’t do something he always could which meant you could only ever be second best.You became your father’s budding apprentice, happy to hang out at his side because it felt safe but it meant you never stretched into your full potential.You grew into his tastes, shared his interests, replicated his values and modeled yourself on the best version of himself that he put out into the world.Or if his standards felt too high to match, you bailed out of the competition feeling disappointed in giving up again.Achievements, marks, and accolades gained his attention, affection and approval, but the glow soon faded leaving you empty inside and unsure of your true worth.You worked hard and built a solid work ethic to keep in his good books. Or if hard work felt impossible, you lost your motivation before you even started and your self-esteem took another knock.the route with less friction but with the most self-criticism.And it’s these early chapters that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so every chapter hereafter is one where you: Feel confident speaking your mind and know that your opinion counts just as much as anybody else’s.Have stopped comparing yourself to others because you believe in yourself now.Walk into a room with a smile, knowing that wherever you are, whoever you are with, you are an equal. Have built a muscle for risk-taking which means you’ve grown bolder and braver in decisions you make about your career and relationships.Know that mistakes are part of success. If you make a mistake it’s no biggie – your procrastination and perfectionism is in the past.Work/love/play as hard or as soft as you want to because it makes YOU happy, not anyone else.Say ‘enough’ when there is too much on your plate, before you get to burn out.Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist to support people in healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step? To say goodbye to the pedestal and realise that anytime you put anyone above or below you, you are in dusty old relationship patterns that have outstayed their welcome. You can do this slowly and respectfully until you begin to truly believe in your inner self-worth and create a life that shines with this kind of confidence.Compassion practiceNext time you catch yourself being critical of yourself, first notice and pause. If you have access to a younger picture of yourself look at it, alternatively imagine a memory of you at your most innocent. Ask that innocent part of you – your younger self – ‘What do you need right now?’ Whatever the answer, offer that to your younger self in words. Eg If your younger self says ‘I want to feel free’ take a deep breath and say ‘You’re completely free’ . Let the words sink in for a minute or two.Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.
4.
Doting Father Wound
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The story todayYou feel people expect a certain kind of version of you and you feel a pressure to keep up a good show.For your friends you’re ‘this’ kind of person, your colleagues you’re ‘that’ kind of person and you’re someone else for your family, too. This shapeshifting has left you feeling disconnected from yourself and others. It’s almost like there’s an invisible barrier between yourself and others, no matter how much you care about them. You wonder if anyone knows the real you. You don’t ask to be seen as the golden girl or boy, but you wonder if people knew the real you, you would be too much for them to handle.The reason this is playing out is because of the Doting Father Wound.In the fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of King Charming. Your father's adoration has shaped your relationship with authenticity and vulnerability, leaving you cautious about opening up to others and create trusting, soul-nourishing relationships.Perhaps your story started like this…Your father was eager to praise you and the first to bat away any criticism, it was like you could do no wrong. You felt like you became an object he admired rather than a person to be listened to and understood.What you gained in admiration you lost in emotional muscle tone because you were never given the chance to learn how to handle constructive feedback when it was sincerely offered.Part of you wondered if you needed to be perfect to earn people’s love, but you never dared test the contract or break that trance.You needed more than admiration, you needed guidance, for someone to look at the details of you and love you for your grit and texture, too. And it’s these early chapters that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so every chapter hereafter is one where you: Allow yourself to be messy in life and make mistakes – whether that’s forgetting somebody’s birthday, turning up late or missing a deadline – you’re accepted by the people that matter most.Soak into long, soulful conversations with friends that fill you up and check in on you when you go quiet.Speak your mind and share your opinion without worrying about being judged, rejected or found out.Give a no-filter reply when someone asks you how you are – you don’t have to pretend any more.Feel so full of yourself that you actually believe people when they compliment you.Have a solid base of good people to turn to when life gets crunchy and you need to moan, yell, cry, shout, stamp, scream or hug it out.Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist to support people in healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step?To emerge from behind the screen to explore and open out your arms to all your glorious facets. It might feel like peeling off a mask or slowly dissolving the layers that hide your true shine. As you get to yourself, genuine connections with others will become more possible. You can do this slowly and respectfully until you come to know without a doubt that you deserve every ounce of love and respect that is coming your way. Authenticity practiceAffirmation: speaking your truth takes practice and self-coaching, to help with this repeat the following affirmation and notice how your body responds each time: 'I speak my truth more than I hide my truth.'Journal prompt: As a daily journaling practice, write your answer to this question: 'What would I say to [insert name] if I knew there were no consequences?' Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.
5.
Unboundaried Father Wound
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The story todayYou find yourself constantly navigating through life without a clear sense of your boundaries. Whether it's work, relationships, or parenting, it’s difficult to define where you end and others begin. These blurred edges leave you feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, as if you're constantly juggling everyone else's needs forgetting your own. You feel like you’ve been older than your years for some time, as if you grew up too soon or were born an ‘old soul’. It’s not easy for you to draw in support perhaps because others don’t ever seem up to the job. While you get on with the hard work of living, play and pleasure sink to the bottom of your list.You may have a love and hate relationship with order and organisation, you can get your sh*t together, but you’re tired of holding all the responsibility.The reason this is playing out is because of the Unboundaried Father Wound.In the fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Lost Boy and you became the parent. Your father's lack of boundaries has shaped your relationship with structure and self-care, leaving you feeling burnt-out and overwhelmed. Perhaps your story started like this…Your father was more of a playmate than a guide, blurring the lines between parent and friend.While this was fun, it also left you without the structure and protection you needed to develop healthy boundaries.You felt there was a role reversal between who was the parent and who was the child, you needed him to step up sometimes but he didn’t.You had to stretch into the gaps that your father left open in terms of authority, order or decision making.You became his comforter, confidante and caretaker of his carefreeness which would sometimes tumble into chaos.And it’s these early chapters that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so every chapter hereafter is one where you: Set crystal clear boundaries in your workload as a professional, partner or parent, so that you know when to pull back and give more energy to yourself.Have said goodbye to guilt whenever you choose yourself firstMake boundary-setting a love language.Really trust people when you delegate or share the strain of your mental load.Receive as much as you give – people show up for you and it feels amazing.Are proud of the way you ask and receive support from friends, your partner or colleagues – it no longer has to all rest on your shoulders.Make room for joy, play and pleasure again.Trust your inner voice so that you always know when to say ‘NO’ and when to say ‘YES’ Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist and helping people healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step?To listen to your inner voice so that you know when you’re approaching your limits and can respond to them before you reach overwhelm. When you do so, you will begin to discover your own unique seasons and strengths and how to work with them. This will be you creating the structure you always needed on your terms. Rather than pingpong between what’s happening on your outside and your inside worlds, you can now learn to adjust and settle into your own authentic pace and space. With practice and patience, you can cultivate a sense of self-respect and assertiveness that empowers you to navigate relationships and/or career in a way that fits you. Boundaries practiceNext time you feel you have lost a sense of your boundaries and are called to set one, take both hands and place them at different parts of your body saying ‘this is me’. Repeat over again slowly working your way down your body from head to toe and back again. It can help to be in front of a mirror. This is to give you a reminder of your physical and your energetic contours and your edges.Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.
6.
Absent Father Wound
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The story todayYou’re really good at waiting. You have a tested patience for low-commitment relationships and an in-built buffer for disappointment.Low relationship stakes feel safe and yet you’re happy to go the extra mile for others. You can give much more easily than you receive, whether that’s a compliment, a quick favour or a mug of tea. You’d rather do it yourself than have someone mess it up for you, anyway. Trusting people is tricky.Around the ages of your self-sufficiency is an exhaustion and frustration – you wonder how you keep going but you do. You look on others who seem to lean easily into support with part resentment and part envy. Envy asks “what makes it so easy for them?”. Resentment adds “Why can’t they stand on their own two feet like I had to?” The reason this is playing out is because of the Absent Father Wound.In the un-fairy tale of your fathering, your dad was a sort of Spectre. Your father's absence, whether physical or emotional (or both), has shaped your relationship with support and connection, leaving you hesitant to rely on others and skeptical of their intentions.Perhaps your story started like this…Your father wasn’t present physically, emotionally or both – so you learnt to be your own parent and you grew up quickly.You stepped up, became a kind of deputy, a responsibility you bore intuitively but not without strain or cost.Maybe another member of your family took on your dad’s role. In either case you learnt to live with less and go without. From time to time, you may have caught yourself wishing for him to show up, open up or come alive but you quickly tidied the hope away. You wondered what it might be like if he was still there and he hadn’t disappeared within himself or out into who-knows-where. Perhaps you asked yourself what you could have done to make him stay.And it’s these early scenes that are still influencing the narrative, which is why it’s time to rewrite your story so every chapter hereafter is one where you: Beam with pride at how easy it is for you now to ask and accept what you need from friends, partners or colleagues.Genuinely believe friends, partners or colleagues when they offer to do you that favour – it no longer has to all rest on your shoulders.Soak into long, soulful conversations with friends that fill you up and check in on you when you go quiet.Give yourself a break, perfectionism is in the past.Let your mind wander and your body bask in joy, play and pleasure again.Receive as much as you give, people show up for you and it feels amazing.Before you roll your eyes and think this is the stuff of fairy tales, I want you to know that after more than a decade working as a psychotherapist and helping people healing their father wound, I know this is entirely possible. And the first step?To learn how to identify your needs; to listen carefully to yourself and pay deliberate attention to the microscopic details of you. Only by listening this closely will you be able to acknowledge your needs and take steps to express and meet them. It is a dual healing that asks you to connect your inner child, your vulnerable self and with your inner father, your capable self. With these two aspects in tandem, you begin to rewrite the story.Authenticity practiceAffirmation: speaking your truth takes practice and self-coaching, to help with this repeat the following affirmation and notice how your body responds each time: 'I speak my truth more than I hide my truth.'Journal prompt: As a daily journaling practice, write your answer to this question: 'What would I say to [insert name] if I knew there were no consequences?' Then head over to @jennifercawleytherapy and let me know how you felt! I’ll be back in your inbox in the coming days with more tailored tips and practices to support you in rewriting your Father Wound story to one with a happier ending.

How does your early relationship with your father still affect you today?

Take the quiz to find out how you can separate past pain from present potential and set your future story straight. Let's begin...Quick note: this is not a diagnostic tool but a way to learn more about yourself and take the first steps to getting the right personalised resources you need.

Quiz Questions

Quiz Outcomes