What's causing your low desire?

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Quiz Questions

1.
Which of these describes you best?
- A.
  I prefer to keep the lights off because I don't want him to see me
- B.
  I'd rather use my vibe than do it with my man
- C.
  I don't have time for sex
- D.
  I'm too annoyed at him to want intimacy
- E.
  None of these
2.
My man...
- A.
  finishes too quickly
- B.
  could use a makeover
- C.
  can be so frustrating
- D.
  tells me I'm beautiful but I'm still self-conscious
- E.
  None of these
3.
What have you tried?
- A.
  New lingerie
- B.
  New toys
- C.
  Role play
- D.
  Scheduling sex
- E.
  None of these
4.
When we do have sex, I'm thinking about...
- A.
  my to-do list
- B.
  how it hurts
- C.
  how to hide my rolls
- D.
  how I wish he'd hurry up
- E.
  None of these
5.
Our sex...
- A.
  hurts but I want to please him
- B.
  is pretty boring
- C.
  has me thinking about my sexy ex
- D.
  ...who has time for sex?!
- E.
  None of these
6.
Think back to your favorite sexual memory with your man. What stood out about it?
- A.
  It didn't hurt and felt great!
- B.
  We had been getting along well
- C.
  I felt confident and sexy
- D.
  He looked handsome that day
- E.
  None of these
7.
Which one gets in the way of your turn on?
- A.
  We're too freakin busy!
- B.
  I'm not at my ideal weight yet/I don't look how I want
- C.
  We argue a lot
- D.
  I was assaulted in the past
- E.
  None of these
8.
If you could wave a magic wand, what one thing would you change?
- A.
  I would have my dream body
- B.
  I'd be free from pain and/or the ghosts of my past
- C.
  My partner would understand my needs
- D.
  I'd be married to Jason Mamoa (or insert super sexy hunk here)

Quiz Outcomes

1.
You feel resentful towards your partner
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How do you talk about your man to your girlfriends? If it’s mostly complaining, then you’ve probably got some built up resentment. When you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s likely that you’ve fell into some patterns in the relationship that are leading to frustration. You wish he was doing things differently. You’ve been putting up with some crap! Some aspects of his personality may be challenging for you. You may feel annoyed that he doesn't see things your way when it comes to how to load the dishwasher, or how to discipline the kids. Maybe you’ve been thinking to yourself that he should just KNOW what to do differently. Why can’t he see what’s wrong? Isn’t it obvious? Unfortunately, none of us are mind readers. It takes crystal clear communication to help him understand your view. Even still, we all have a unique way of being in the world so he’s not going to get everything you try to convey. He may not understand, and since he’s his own person, he’ll definitely disagree about some things. Underneath all this frustration, you really just want to feel like he gets you. Like you’re important enough that he’ll remember to put the seat down or clean his hairs out of the sink. You want to feel considered! You expect him to know better, to read your cues, to be thoughtful! Well, as much as we’ve been led to believe the right man will do those things, no man can get everything right forever. He may even have some feelings about the things you do as well. No one is perfect and sharing a life with another human takes so. much. communication. Challenges inevitably arise in all relationships.When you find yourself stewing in Resentment Land, give yourself some compassion if you’re not ready to tear into the sheets with him. It makes total sense that you might not feel keen on connecting with your partner sexually right now. You’re not connected in other ways, so if sex feels like you have to force yourself to try to get into it, that’s normal. Resentment can make us totally put-off from being close to the person who the feelings are toward.Even if you’ve been annoyed for ages, it is possible to relieve some of those tough feelings towards him. Start now by thinking of a couple things each day that you admire about him. See if you can remember why you fell for him in the first place. While you’re working on that, I’m going to send you some great tools to help you repair the damage that’s been done, so you can get back to feeling in love again. Keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and a deeply connected relationship.
2.
You don’t find yourself attracted to your partner anymore, or you weren’t attracted to him in the first place
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How often do you actually get excited to have sex with your man nowadays? Do you just feel not that into him? If the physical attraction isn’t there anymore, or it never really was, don’t feel bad. You can’t really change who you’re into, and not everyone is your type. Then how did you get here?Maybe you found yourself in a relationship in which you feel safe, protected, cared for, or provided for financially or otherwise. Maybe you feel like you “settled” because you were worried time was running out. Maybe you’re with a guy who’s like a friend to you, and you feel really close emotionally. All of these things are okay if both of you are okay with them. Society puts so much pressure on us to believe that if we’re not having sex, we must be doing the whole “relationship thing” wrong. I promise that if you’re both enjoying whatever is happening, you don’t need to do anything else, even if you’re not having sex. Sex is not mandatory to have a great relationship. Communicate and be honest about what is working, and what’s not. If you are unhappy with this and you want to feel turned on by your partner, you may be able to find new ways to feel more attraction towards him. If you really want things to change, keep an open mind and get more curious about the parts that intrigue you. If there are things about him that are big turn offs that he could simply change, communicate and ask him in a nice way if he might do things differently (like move to another room to gas pass). A great way to share these feelings is by crafting a Feedback Sandwich- share something that you love/enjoy about him, kindly and lovingly share your issue, then share another thing you love/enjoy. Here’s an example from my personal life: My partner is very gassy (hence the above example), and he farts all the time. Literally anywhere. So loud. So stinky. I realized it was something that really turned me off about him, so after years of complaining about it with no results, I finally asked him to fart less (but not never) around me because it would make me feel more attracted to him and he would probably get more sex. Many times when I’d actually be in the mood for once, it would quickly be ruined by his farting. He expressed that he felt so comfortable with me that he didn’t restrict himself, but that he would try to go into another room because he understood how that affected me and (mainly) really wanted to have more sexy time with me. It’s been months now, and he’s kept on it, and we’re both happier! Notice how I shared my issue lovingly, instead of nagging? The nagging didn’t work, but straight up telling him how I was being affected and what I would prefer (and adding incentive of course), made it an easy transition that we no longer have to think about. Keep in mind that he may shoot down your request, or say he will do it and then stop doing it after a couple days. Lovingly remind him again about how you feel, and that this thing is important to you. Resist the urge to nag. Remember he is human, and it takes time to start a new habit. When he does what you ask, praise him! Show him that you noticed his effort! Positive feedback works better than negative feedback and encourages change. This method can also be used for him to learn ways to seduce you, so that you may feel more attracted to him. Notice what you like, give feedback lovingly, focus on what is going well, and try to enjoy the ride. Changes will take time, and you are not obligated to make it work out if you’re done trying. I’ve got a lot more to say about this topic- tips for communicating, recognizing what turns you on, and much more. Keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and deeply connected relationship.
3.
You're not getting the sex that turns YOU on
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Be honest. Do you enjoy the sex you’re having? Like truly, deeply love it and look forward to it? I’m guessing by your answers that you might not be there right now. In the beginning- often referred to as the honeymoon phase- your sex may have been incredible, you felt so connected, and it probably happened all the time! Remember how magical it was? There was a lot going on inside of you back then to make all that happen…. Thank you, hormones!Slowly over time things changed and now it feels like there’s something wrong. Have you asked yourself, “Am I broken?”? You may be finding yourself thinking the relationship isn’t what you thought, and now you’re questioning everything. What happened? When we find our way to the incredibly common event in which we feel we’ve lost the spark, we start desperately seeking answers, only to find that none of the advice really solves anything. Is all hope lost?Absolutely not. Your result is the most common reason women experience low desire for sex.Each of us have certain things that turn us on, even if we are unaware of them. There are core feelings that we wish to experience from sex, and yours are likely different from his. Then, there are the ways that we wish to achieve those feelings. Those probably differ too. You may know some of the things that get you going, or you may have never even realized that sex is for you too. Our society and culture has put a lot of effort into making women believe that sex is dirty, not for them, and that it’s their job to please men. Even if you read that and know it’s bullshit, you still probably got some type of messaging that you need to be presentable and attractive to the male gaze. The messaging comes from everywhere- media, family, peers, porn, fashion, and more, but does it ever talk about women’s pleasure? Scientists didn’t even start to research women’s orgasms until the 1960’s! That’s less than 100 years ago, and there is still so much misinformation regarding women’s pleasure and anatomy. A 2016 study of 1,000 British women found that nearly half of them could not identify where the vagina is located on an illustration, and 60% of them didn’t know where the vulva was. If you don’t know those things either, it’s not your fault! Our high school sex ed was not really all that educational, and I highly doubt yours taught you anything about your pleasure. That’s why I’m here- to help you learn more about yourself, what you like, and how to get it! Okay, so you’re not getting the sex you want and you’ve probably been doing the sex that he wants for a long time now. Maybe even going to the bathroom to “freshen up” before sex and giving yourself a little pep talk in the mirror before you come back out. Maybe doing whatever you can to get it over with as quick as possible (faking an orgasm, anyone?). But doesn’t it totally make sense that you wouldn’t be interested in sex that’s not for you? Even if he does things in an attempt to please you, like eat you out, is that really what you want? Is it exactly how you want it? Men might think they’re doing a great job because they’re reenacting what they’ve seen through the only examples they get- porn, movies, magazines etc. Those media outlets create fantasy images, but that’s not sexual reality. If you never correct him then he’ll go on thinking he’s a rockstar when really he might just be singing karaoke. Alright, I know you’re ready for the answer, but this is a loaded topic. I’ll start with one thing- Communication is a must, however, this can be tricky if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. If he thinks he’s been pleasing you the whole time and if you start to share about how the sex is not really all that great for you, this new info could range from pretty disappointing -to- devastating for his self esteem. I have tools that help couples discuss these sensitive topics so you can enhance your connection, not shatter it, and I’m going to share them with you! I want you to know how to navigate these challenges, because your pleasure matters. You deserve all the pleasure you can handle. Pleasure is your birthright and it’s my mission to help you own it! That’s why I’m creating an entire 8 week program just on this topic, because I want you to discover, share, and experience your deepest desires and live your juiciest life! I’m going to help you uncover what you really want, show you how to advocate for your pleasure, and empower you to stop tolerating sex you don’t love. You’ll be more connected to your eroticism than you ever have before, so you can create the sexiest, most passionate relationship possible! You deserve all of that and more. While you wait, I’ll send you some extra goodies and exciting new tips on how to discover more about your pleasure and fall deeper in love with yourself (and him!).Keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and deeply connected relationship.
4.
You're too busy and/or stressed out
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You know what’s not sexy? Burnout. (Emily Nagoski wrote a whole book about it, aptly titled Burnout, that I highly recommend you read.) You’re busy, you’re tired, you have a million things to remember and be responsible for. You’ve got to clean the house, put away the laundry, get the kids to their sports, pack everyone’s lunches, get your work done and turned in on time, the list goes on and on and on and on, forever. At the end of the day when your guy asks if you “wanna do it?”, you fall into a heap on the bed with a giant sigh and say, “not tonight”. Maybe it’s been “not tonight” for so many nights that he doesn’t really ask anymore and you’ve found yourself going longgg stretches of nothing but responsibilities. There are times in our life when sex just isn’t a priority. Whether it's caring for sick parents, postpartum & childrearing, long nights up studying for college exams, a full career, illness, injury, you name it- life is busy! We are expected to do much more than we’ve ever had to, and make it look easy. “And you’d better be fulfilling your man too!” -society tells us… we have to always seem like we’re keeping it all together when really we’re hanging on by a thread. When it comes to low desire, sex probably feels like another thing on the to-do list. But sex shouldn’t feel like a chore! So, what should you do? Give yourself a damn break! You’ve got enough on your plate. Talk to your man about your overwhelm. If he’s understanding, he should be able to see that you’ve got a lot going on. Pressure to have sex only pushes you further away from actually wanting it, so see if you can both take the pressure off. Funny enough, when a couple can truly accept that sex might not be a large part of this season of their life, they tend to have more of it. Why? Because pressure is not sexy! But understanding, communication, relief, play, and joy can all lead to sexy fun times.Next, see if there’s any way you can find more resources to help reduce your stress. Can a grandparent take the kids one night per week? Can your husband do the dishes? Can the kids put away their own clothes (unless they’re babies the answer is probably yes), and does it really matter if they’re folded? Can you stop signing up for every PTO meeting or saying yes to every extra thing someone asks of you? You don’t have to work yourself to death trying to keep everyone else happy. You also need to be happy! If you can bring more rest and play into your days, you’ll be more likely to stop leaving your relationship behind. And, when you get back to having more sex, you’ll feel better because sex is a great way to reduce stress! Sex is not trivial, it’s an important way to connect with your partner and keep yourself healthy. You’ll be nicer to your family, reconnect with your guy, and feel more calm and less overwhelmed. It’s a win-win-win for everyone.Now I know, that all sounds great in theory. It takes tiiime to find a better balance. Start small. Try one small thing today. Give yourself grace during the process. This is not easy, it is not quick, but it is worth it. I believe in you. While you practice, keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and deeply connected relationship.
5.
You have a negative body image
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When was the last time you said something nice about your body? What part are you the meanest to? Does being mean to her invoke any changes, or does it just make you feel like crap? It’s likely that you’re constantly judging your body and not even realizing it. When you walk by a window and you see your reflection, do you contort in some way to make your body look more like you think it should? Maybe you’ve tried diets, hitting the gym, running, some kind of pill that’s supposed to change how you look, or even surgery.I’m gonna hit you with some reality: bodies have stretch marks, veins, hair, smells, rolls, moles, and cellulite. They have fat. They have bones. They have curves. They are completely unique, and that’s what’s so great about them. Vulvas (the exterior part of your vaginal area) are ALL DIFFERENT, and they’re ALL beautiful. Unless your genitals hurt, I PROMISE you they’re normal. (Even if someone along the line told you otherwise!)You are not alone in this arena- a study from 2011 indicated that 97% of women have at least one negative thought about their body every. single. day. 2024 research by Dove showed that only 4% of women believe they are beautiful, yet it is easy for over 80% of women to agree that every other woman has something beautiful about them. Dove embarked on a study of over 33,000 women from all over the world and created a 71 page report that you can download on their website. Society works really hard to tell you that you’re not good enough, but I guarantee that even if you somehow got to your ideal body, you’d still be unhappy with it. That’s because confidence and love for your body doesn’t come from what it looks like, it comes from deciding to say a big F U to the culture we’ve been force fed. The messages that tell you you’re not good enough make a profit off of you hating yourself- it even has a name! It’s called the Bikini Industry Complex, and it’s a HUGE jerk (more about this in the book Burnout by Emily Nagoski). You started getting these messages from birth, and took in so much information about what you’re “supposed” to be that even before you knew what you were doing you started to change yourself to fit into the mold. The truth is that you are perfect just how you are. I know, you’ve probably heard that before, and it didn’t make you love yourself more. It takes a longggg time to pull all the weeds that were planted in your brain by society, culture, family etc… all these messages that you didn’t agree to and surely didn’t want. Babies are born without a care of whether their tummy sticks out or their hair looks crazy, they just enjoy existing. You were that once, and with effort, you can return to enjoying existing and stop being so hard on yourself for just being alive. Start here- see if you can notice when you say, think, or do something critical towards yourself. That includes sucking in your stomach, puckering up your lips for a picture, or putting on makeup because you feel like people would think you’re gross if they saw your face. (Wearing makeup because it makes you happy is a different story!) Just notice. Try not to judge yourself about these things- they’ve been in effect for a very long time and observing them is the first step. This might bring up some big feelings of anger or sadness and that’s okay. Feelings are there to be felt, not to be pushed away. Allow them to come, this is something worth grieving. It’s painful to believe that you’re not worthy of love, or think you’re not beautiful and sexy. Sexuality is not determined by body size or shape, you can enjoy sex and feel pleasure at any time. Please don’t wait until you get to some “ideal body” to enjoy your life, because only today is guaranteed. Make the choice to enjoy what you have, celebrate all the things your body does for you, and don’t let the made up, unachievable beauty standards win. I’m creating easily accessible online courses to help you learn to accept and find joy with your body, your sexuality, and your life. Be sure to keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and deeply connected relationship with yourself and others.
6.
You experience painful sex, or have a history of abuse or trauma
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According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, up to 75% of women experience pain during sex at some point in their lives. 3 out of 4 of us. Ouch. Pain during sex is understandably a good reason to not want sex. There are many things that can occur to cause the pain, and many times women don’t ever get a clear answer to what their problem is. From my training as an energy worker, massage therapist, and sexologist; from hearing my clients, colleagues, and friends struggles; and from my own personal experiences, I have come to conclude that a lot of memory, trauma, and energy is stored in the pelvis. One reason for this belief is that emotions get trapped inside the body, and are only released after they are processed in some way. There are some great, respected books that explain this, such as “The Body Keeps the Score”, by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., and “Come As You Are”, by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.. Even if you’ve done trauma work and therapy, you may have never actually reclaimed your body and completely banished all the lasting painful effects.After going through something like sexual abuse, it only makes sense to me that the vagina would be reluctant to open up freely with ease. Your mind and body are connected, but sometimes the messages don’t make it through. For instance, you can know logically you are now in a safe place, with a safe partner, but your pussy might not be on board. The memory remains, and just like a dog who is forever untrusting after being beaten by someone, the feeling doesn’t magically go away. You may have been knowingly or unknowingly avoiding sex or certain sexual acts due to your past. It makes sense to keep yourself safe from flashbacks and triggering old memories.So, what if you haven’t had an obviously traumatic event? Well, being alive in the world can make it hard to feel 100% safe. I doubt there’s a woman alive who hasn’t dealt with some form of harassment, be it sexual or otherwise. The media we consume, our attachment style, the way we were raised, where we live, and the messages we’ve internalized can all have a significant impact on the way we experience the world. Also, if you’ve ignored the seemingly insignificant whispers when your body had something to say, then it will start to get louder until you do listen. If you’ve ignored your pussy, she will eventually have something to say about it. If you’ve tolerated sex you didn’t really want or enjoy, you might experience pain during that event, or even years later.I am not a gynecologist, and I don’t diagnose people with vaginal conditions. I do help clients realize that they don’t need to be forever robbed of their sexual connection and discover new ways to enjoy pleasure. Did you know that you can experience ecstasy without having penetrative sex? I believe that by reconnecting with your eroticism you can learn a great deal about what is actually happening in your internal world and find ways to unlock the doors that have been closed up. For now, practice giving yourself some compassion and communicate with your partner around your needs. Don’t force anything that hurts, because abandoning yourself in an attempt to keep someone else happy will likely prevent anyone from actually being happy and make matters worse. If you just have sex because you feel like you should, you may dissociate which keeps you from being present to really enjoy the moment. Be gentle with yourself through all of this. I have so much more that I want to share with you, so please keep an eye out for more resources coming straight to your inbox that will help you build a thriving sex life and deeply connected relationship with yourself and others.

What's causing your low desire?

8 questions that will uncover what's keeping you from your turn on

Quiz Questions

Quiz Outcomes