Which Thanksgiving Side Are You?

Quiz Questions

• 1.
  How do you feel about Thanksgiving?

  • A.
    I’m here for the food, full stop.
  • B.
    I’m going to show up, eat my required bites, and quietly leave before family members start oversharing.
  • C.
    I am all about the vibes. I’m bringing the perfect playlist, and I’m here to keep things upbeat and optimistic!
  • D.
    Honestly, I’m just trying to survive. We all know Thanksgiving is a test of endurance.
  • E.
    I can’t wait to catch up and hear what everyone’s been up to. Family, food, and (hopefully) no politics.
• 2.
  Which Celebrity Couple would you like to have at your Thanksgiving gathering? 

  • A.
    Patrick & Brittany Mahomes
  • B.
    Meryl Streep & Martin Short
  • C.
    Chrissy Teigen & John Legend
  • D.
    Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka
  • E.
    Zendaya & Tom Holland
  • F.
    Meghan Markle & Prince Harry
  • G.
    John Krasinski & Emily Blunt
  • H.
    Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor
  • I.
    Oprah Winfrey & Stedman Graham
  • J.
    Olivia Munn & John Mulaney
• 3.
  Should John Krasinski have won People Magazine's 2024 Sexiest Man Alive?

  • A.
    Yes / Sure / Why not?
  • B.
    No!
• 4.
  Turkey or Ham?

  • A.
    Turkey
  • B.
    Ham
  • C.
    Both!
  • D.
    Neither!!
• 5.
  Did you watch 'Fishes', season 2, episode 6 of the TV show The Bear?

  • A.
    Yes
  • B.
    No
• 6.
  This calendar year, how many times have you ordered DoorDash / Uber Eats / food delivery?

  • A.
    0
  • B.
    1-5
  • C.
    6-10
  • D.
    11-20
  • E.
    21+
• 7.
  What is your favorite meal of the day?

  • A.
    Breakfast
  • B.
    Lunch
  • C.
    Dinner
• 8.
  What, in 2024 pop culture, are you most thankful for?

  • A.
    Moo Deng
  • B.
    Girly pop (Sabrina Carpenter, Chappell Roan, etc)
  • C.
    New Olympic darlings (Ilona Maher, Stephen Nedoroscik, the Woodhalls)
  • D.
    Cowboy Carter
  • E.
    Brat Summer
  • F.
    Joshua Jackson & Adam Brody renaissance
  • G.
    Wicked The Musical finally coming out
  • H.
    Eras Tour ending
• 9.
  Are Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce end game?

  • A.
    Yes, I hope so!
  • B.
    No, LOL.
• 10.
  Weapons or fists?

  • A.
    Weapons!
  • B.
    Fists!

Quiz Outcomes

• 1.
  Yams

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  You received this result because, like yams, your friends and loved ones don’t understand you. Similar to how we’re all familiar with yams despite not having a clue what they actually are, your family may love and accept you but simultaneously have no idea what you do for work and how it is that you make money.
• 2.
  Corn on the Cob

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  You received this result because you contain multitudes just like corn on the cob. You’d like to think you are a decent and respectful person, but at the same time, you often find yourself rawdogging corn cobs and chomping and slurping at a dinner table surrounded by your friends and loved ones. It’s giving Dr. Jekyll / Mrs Hyde because you should save the animalistic consumption experience for your alone time, babes, because no one wants to make eye contact with you while you are a stimulative calamity of sights, sounds, and textures.
• 3.
  Scalloped Potatoes

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  You received this result because like scalloped potatoes, you’re a bit of an elevated experience aren’t you? Scalloped potatoes are like all other potatoes but only more so which is how your friends describe you. In good times, this is great because you are a healing balm for sadness and pain, but in bad times it’s like being at odds with a supervillain. Navigable, sure, but definitely suboptimal.
• 4.
  Cranberry Jelly

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  You received this result because, emotionally speaking, you’re very similar to Pigpen from the Peanuts comics. This will be hilarious if you are under the age of 24 because you’re probably like, “What’s a comic / who is Pigpen / what are the Peanuts” but just google it if you don’t know. Like Pigpen, Cranberry Jelly is the food choice of someone whose only clarity is in wanting chaos. No one wakes up and is like, “I could go for some cranberry jelly,” and that’s because cranberry jelly is a kind of flavor arson. Similarly, you can be a bit of an emotional or organizational arsonist in the wrong circumstances.
• 5.
  Corn

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  You received this result because let's just call it what it is: you’re going through a rough few months. And by “months”, we mean “couple of years.” But this is where things change because, not to pile on, but getting a quiz result of “corn” is internet rock bottom. Despite what that kid said a few years ago, corn does not have the juice or anything worth celebrating. It is the packing peanuts of your Thanksgiving plate and the most impressive thing about corn is how you can eat it one time and it will randomly show up in your dumps for the next 11 years. Is that how you want to be described via an internet quiz? Of course not. You want to show up in different places outside of just dumps, metaphorically speaking! So let’s focus up and make some life changes and come back to this quiz in a month and see if we can get something like King’s Hawaiian Rolls.
• 6.
  Asparagus

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  You received this result because look out, we got a REAL Loki-vibe over here with you, don’t we? Regardless of if you brought asparagus to Thanksgiving or are just choosing to eat it, the headline isn’t about the food as much as it’s about you becoming a, as our friends in Boston would say, a “stinky pissah” later that evening. This means that you prioritize vibes over functionality because you only live once so why not eat the food that will create a urinary smell that could traumatize an entire elementary school in seconds?
• 7.
  Ice

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  You received this result because, like the person assigned to bring ice, no one in your family trusts you. Maybe it’s a deep-seated emotional distrust based on generational trauma, or maybe it’s because one time, you tried to grill chicken using a microwave. Regardless, you are someone who is currently at an existential impasse with your loved ones about what you feel qualified to do versus how they perceive you and your abilities to be relied upon.
• 8.
  Soup

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  You received this result because, like soup, you are mostly useless in crisis situations. Soup?! On Thanksgiving?! This is a holiday about consumption and capitalistic gluttony and someone thought it was a good idea to bring hot flavored water?? It makes no sense. In this regard, unless you change your ways, you are destined to be like the grandparents from Charlie in the Chocolate Factory who just lie in bed together with the weirdest four-way sexual tension of all time and do nothing productive until Charlie gets a golden ticket and suddenly Grandpa Joe is like, “I could actually be helpful now that I get to go to a candy museum.” The point is to be better than Grandpa Joe or soup.
• 9.
  The Bad Rolls (Anything other than Kings Hawaiian Sweet Rolls)

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  You received this result because you’re a shortcutter. You think everything is overrated and that generic or off-brand is always the way. And sometimes it is, but that’s only true until it isn’t and this is especially so with any bread at Thanksgiving that isn’t King’s Hawaiian Sweet Rolls.
• 10.
  The Good Rolls (Kings Hawaiian Sweet Rolls)

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  You received this result because like Kings Hawaiian Sweet Rolls, you are a saint and a welcome and glorious addition to any gathering. At Thanksgiving, you are often the lowkey MVP, but somehow you find a space to thrive at funerals, gender reveals, and baby showers. And probably, if you had been in the movie Gone Girl, during that scene when the whole town is looking for Rosamund Pike, you probably would have crushed there too. Not in a gross way, but in a tasteful but respectful way.
• 11.
  Gravy

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  You received this result because, like gravy, you are a doomscroller. You douse yourself with dopamine hits of news and updates and recipes and conspiracies and secrets and hacks. You’ve watched more GRWM routines than you can mathematically count and if you were a European bodybuilder, you would know how much protein to consume so as to be competition-ready. Unfortunately, though, you often find that very few of these scrolling insights make their way into your actual, non-scrolling life, which is exactly how gravy works. People who abuse gravy do so mostly because it feels like something productive more than it actually elevates any food it comes into contact with.
• 12.
   Mac and Cheese  

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  You received this result because even though you are simple and can tend towards indulgence, everyone agrees that you are a welcome sight in any situation.
• 13.
   Green Bean Casserole  

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  You received this result because you are a gaslighter. I don’t actually know what gaslighting means, but like the Supreme Court’s definition of pornography, I know it when I see it and anyone who makes Green Bean Casserole is an Apex Gaslighter. The point of calling something a casserole is knowing that it’s going to be a heaping mess of trans fats and creamy but crispy textures, and yet somehow, Green Bean Casserole sees fit to take that perfect formula and instead prioritize phallic and erect grass.
• 14.
   Sweet Potatoes  

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  You received this result because you often find yourself thinking that if you just changed one small aspect of your life that everything would get better, which is at the heart of a what a sweet potato is. It’s like a potato but orange. It’s like a potato but sweeter. But do these defining aspects really make it different? Similarly, how many times have you gone about painting a room because you are sure that going from a vacant blue to a soft green would right the emotional turbulence of your heart only to finish 80% of the painting because painting sucks and also because trim work and dealing with wall outlets is Dante’s newest circle of hell.
• 15.
   Sweet Potato Fries  

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  You received this result because, I’m sorry to say, you’re either a demonic force trying to ruin everyone’s life or just completely Satan. It’s not your fault but this is like getting that one card during a tarot reading. The death card, I think? I’ve never done tarot because I’m not a silly baby, but you know what I’m talking about. Or maybe I’m confusing the bad Tarot card with the bankruptcy flag in Wheel of Fortune? Who cares, it doesn’t matter because you get what I mean. The good news is that unlike sweet potato fries, you can change and you should because no one WANTS to be sweet potato fries. Imagine being something as amazing as “fries” but with a caveat of ruination that you are actually french fries that are sweet. I don’t care that they’re healthier, Deborah, THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE DOING HERE. It’s Thanksgiving! The entire premise is gluttony!
• 16.
   Sweet Potato Casserole  

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  You received this result because you are the walking, talking, and breathing embodiment if that meme with the dog walking into a burning room and saying, “This is fine.” On the plus side, you always see a silver lining and are a sunny optimist in the darkest of days. But on the negative side, you don’t objectively see the problem with hiding disgusting ingredients and a reprehensible flavor profile beneath a layer of marshmallows. You may think everything is fine because of the marshmallows, but it isn’t.
• 17.
   Mashed Potatoes  

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  You received this result because you have a problem leaving well enough alone which is what mashed potatoes are. Someone looked at potatoes and instead of baking them to a crisp or even turning them into french fries, they decided instead to, like in Fight Club in the fight between Jared Leto and Edward Norton, destroy something beautiful by pulverizing them into a godforsaken taste wasteland of goopy paste. It’s like someone wanted to distill the Victorian age into a food complete with the emotionless literature and overt sexual repression.
• 18.
  Stuffing

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  You received this result because your life is stuffing right now. You’re approaching middle age and all you do is transport kids to events and slowly die on the inside during zoom calls at work. When anyone asks what you did all day, you have a hard time coming up with even one fact because while you were active and engaged with your life or work, it all has the feeling of being just a giant beige mess of existentially tasteless nothingness, which is fundamentally what stuffing is.
• 19.
   Vegetable Platter  

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  You received this result because, like the obligatory veggie platter, you’re not a main character. And that’s ok. We can’t all be Joe or Nick Jonas, you know? Some of us have to be the other main brother whose name I’m forgetting right now. Is it Dave? Dave Jonas? That doesn’t sound right. I know there’s another brother named Frankie Jonas, but to be clear, you aren’t Frankie Jonas either. It’s probably more like Frankie Jonas’s pet gerbil, Napoleon Pint-O-Might. I don’t know if Frankie has a pet gerbil and if he does if that’s even the gerbil’s name, but it FEELS like something that he would name it. Is the older brother named Rick? I don’t think that’s it either. Anyways, even though you aren’t a main character, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have value. Friends and loved ones always find you additive without the pressure of being turkey or ham.
• 20.
   12 Pack of Mountain Dew  

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  You received this result because you are a master tactician who excels at playing the long game. When asked to bring some soft drinks, you specifically chose Mountain Dew because of the effect it would have on your nieces, nephews, and other miscellaneous offsprings of extended family members. Why? Because their caffeine-motivated interruptions of hyperactivity and penchant for outbursts and destruction will provide a necessary buffer against the tendencies of your elder relatives who want to talk politics in excruciatingly detailed monologues as well as their academic thoughts on the “obvious biological differences between the races.